Trigger Warning: uhh… eating disorder, body dysmorphia, body hatred, fat-phobia, depression, suicide?
I walked to the fridge and opened the door; looked inside and closed it again. Unsatisfied, I repeat the motions…this time, staring longer and harder. Habits are hard to break, so I pull some things out and put them on a plate.
Staring back at me are foods I’m uninterested in eating. Alas, I eat them anyways. My stomach clenches as I force myself to eat when I’m not even hungry. My body doesn’t even want to stomach the food I put in front of me, and yet I continue. I tell myself I don’t even want this while I take another bite, and another, and another. Mindlessly eating for the sake of eating; like breathing for the sake of breathing.
I’m full: full of self-hatred, full of self-doubt, full of disgust…in myself, in my body, and in my life. Every time I look in the mirror, I’m reminded of what I don’t like. I over analyze myself, constantly telling myself that I don’t like my body, and I don’t like myself. How could anyone ever like me when I don’t even like myself? Self-hatred has filled me to the brim and I’m full.
So now I must ask, how do you love yourself when all you’ve known is to hate yourself?
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